What Are You Ambitious For?

On freedom, changing seasons, and becoming ambitious for what brings us alive.

The business I had loved began to feel more like never-ending pressure—and the thought of a permanent job brought an unexpected sense of relief. As I prepare to return to employment after nine years of working for myself, I’m reconsidering what ambition is for, what freedom actually feels like, and what changes when we become ambitious for our own aliveness.

A couple of weeks back I wrote about an opportunity that eventually fell through.

I wanted that gig so badly. And I didn’t get it. And I very nearly cried over it.

At the time I was hungry. I could see myself click-clacking my heels and putting down my fancy tote at the board table. Planning a bougie OS trip with my little girl. I was counting the dollar signs, I was preening over the status and proximity and burgeoning network.

Me and my tap-dancing ego were convincing each other that at that dollar-value the stress and in-house politics, the traffic and the lost time with my daughter would still be worth it.

And it was that line of thought that asked me to have a good, hard look at myself.

I don’t think wanting more money, status, leadership or proximity is shallow or wrong. I like being in the middle of great things and big ideas. It’s just that these things don’t comprise everything that I am ambitious for.

I didn’t realise that ten years ago.

But soon enough I was personally and professionally burnt-out and needed a sabbatical.

Then I found out I was pregnant.

Bam.

With a sudden new perspective I saw the man I’d married and the way I’d been working and knew that both were destroying me.

So the sabbatical became a permanent decision. I filed for divorce and applied for an ABN and entered a new season as a single mum and a solo-entrepreneur.

It wasn’t a plan, it was a response. And it served me.

I followed the crumbs, chose maximum flexibility and creativity, and immersed myself in a world that was deeply feminine, intuitive and intimate, supporting women with all the things that I myself had lost - my emotionality, softness, sensuality & depth - and gave them, and myself, a place to return to the most alive version of themselves.

I have loved this work.

But have been falling out of love with being in the business of it.

There is a reality to it that is rarely spoken about by the women who leave corporate and find ‘freedom’ in launching their own business.

There is freedom in being your own boss and setting your own hours and choosing your own direction, but there is a near paralysing weight to make it work too. Suddenly you are not only The Boss of your own life, but you are also The Boss and sole Employee of the marketing department, the sales department, the administration and bookkeeping department, the IT department, and the actual service delivery.

For a while I genuinely enjoyed wearing all the different hats, and doing it alone, with some occasional contract hires.

But my energy for it was withering while my isolation only grew.

I explored different models, and this marketing strategy and that, but I was tired.

The pressure to continually monetise my richest and most meaningful work was depleting me, and distorting it.

Which is why, when a friend’s husband pulled out his phone and randomly showed me a job he thought I’d be great for, I actually read it.

This time, less of a bam. And more of a tingle…

I began to look at job sites and read through position descriptions and the sensation of champagne-like bubbles fluttered up my chest and tickled my face…

At the thought of having a team, a regular pay cheque, paid sick-days, and to leave work at work… relief flooded my body.

And I knew that a new season was unfolding.

And what I am ambitious for has changed with it.

I am ambitious.

I am ambitious for a good life. A free life. I want to enjoy this short time with my daughter to the max. I am ambitious for her health, happiness and wellbeing and mine too. I am also ambitious to create a ripple of impact, to express my gifts, and to be well used.

But I am not ambitious to scale to a huge, million dollar business like all the business coaches have been telling me to do. I am not ambitious for the visibility, risk or responsibility that would require. I am not ambitious for the type of creativity that must continually convert itself into offers, marketing and income streams.

I am ambitious for my own aliveness.

That is what I want to orientate my life around now - not simply the pursuit of what looks more impressive, but the pursuit of the people, places, work, and conditions that leave me feeling most alive.

And to fully engage my aliveness there must be a solid foundation underfoot.
My creativity, my aliveness and my sense of possibility are only present when I feel safe and supported.
This is true for every one of us and something I share with my clients all the time, and yet had rarely offered to myself.

Until now.

In my contemplation around what I am ambitious for I realised that security and structure don’t necessarily take away our freedoms, they can create them.

And so here I am, a week away from starting a full-time, permanent job after nine years of being freely self-employed. A job that provides enough money and security without consuming my identity, a team that’s engaged and working towards something meaningful, and the flexibility and time to be present with my daughter.

And I tell you what it feels good.

As perhaps you have intuited, I am not shutting the doors to my few but dear clients.

This is not goodbye to my body of work, it is the freeing of it.

Without the pressure to make this deeply magical work ‘work’ I have found renewed creativity and desire flowing again.

I have a new source of sustenance that has given me permission to rest and play again.

I have remembered the possibility I felt in it again.

That Sunday morning coffee with my friend and her husband was a much-needed catalyst for me to question my ambition.

For a while self-employment was where it was at. It looked like ultimate freedom - and it was for a time - but increasingly it felt less like self-made success add more like never-ending pressure.

Employment looked for a long while like chains and the slow withering of my soul, but now it feels like relief, shared responsibility, and a resurgence of my own creativity.

Perspectives change. We change. Seasons change. What brings us most alive will change.

And so does what we are ambitious for.

A contemplation for you:

If you are in an organisation, holding a role, and looking at your next step: if no one could see your title or salary or status of your choice - what would bring you back alive?

If you work for yourself: if self-employment no longer proved anything about how brave, free, or self-led you were - what would bring you most alive?

Let that determine what you are ambitious for.

All ideation and writing is my own. AI is used for grammar and occasional sense making when my brain just can’t.