The Good Girl in the Bedroom
In my explorations of the Good Girl - an insidious syndrome that’s possibly alive in all of us to some degree - it would be amiss of me not to discuss how the Good Girl plays out in the one aspect of our lives that we face the most shame around – our sexuality.
The Good Girl has played out in many aspects of my life, but perhaps none so heartbreakingly in my relationship with sex and intimate relationships. Perhaps you too see yourself in the following words.
Growing up, I, like perhaps every womxn, was taught that being a “good girl” is the best way to be.
Good Girls don’t hit and yell. They do not get dirty. They sit with their legs carefully crossed. They say their pleases and thank-yous. They smile and do what is asked of them. Polite, ever accommodating and oh so good we are conditioned to behave in the ways that we were applauded for and unless interrupted we can carry this patterning throughout our lives.
On one hand we see how the encouragement for young girls to be Good translates into adults with respectful behaviour and socially accepted moral values. However, equally we see how it weaves an obligatory cage, where we cannot take one step beyond what’s allowed without being named and shamed. Read more on Your Good Girl needs to Go in my previous post here.
The Good Girl serves to stifle our desires, our needs, our voice and our natural inquisitiveness and exploration - in life, as well as in sex.
When it comes to expectations around sex and sexuality there are obvious double standards for men versus womxn. Men are generally - and loudly rewarded for being curious and sexual creatures, yet womxn are explicitly shamed for it.
Still now, in the West in an era of presumed sexual liberation (I would argue against this) womxn who are outwardly or overtly sexual, who make the first move, or have many sexual partners are quickly branded as a whore, slut, and more. Female sexuality is portrayed as dirty, dangerous, predatory, and untrustworthy.
The messaging is patriarchal manoeuvre designed to cut womxn’s power off at the waist. It becomes increasingly obvious and absurd when one begins to explore female sexuality further. Take for instance the most obvious, that we are the creative, life-bearing sex, and that our bodies are biologically designed for pleasure- our clitoris’s solo purpose is to provide pleasure, and the bud alone has twice as many nerve endings than the penis. And that literally is just the tip of the iceberg.
Yet rather than being celebrated for, and allowing ourselves to celebrate the powerhouses of pleasure that we are, our sexuality has been tamped down and categorised into a binary of what is good and what is bad, the Madonna vs the Whore.
Be nothing but the Madonna lest we be shunned or at one time burned at the stake. Over the millennia and still today a womxn’s survival and social acceptance depends on absorbing the messaging around the Good Girl.
So what does playing the role of The Good Girl ‘in the bedroom’ so to speak look like?
Sexual restraint as a matter of morality
Prioritising the pleasure of her partner over herself
Not insisting on practicing safe sex with new partners
Not speaking out if something is unwanted, uncomfortable, or painful so to avoid hurting partner’s feelings
Doing what her partner wants to, either to please him or because she doesn’t feel like she has a voice or that her opinion matter.
Faking orgasms to either a) please or encourage your partner b) not hurt their feelings or c) to do as we’ve been taught to do i.e. somehow find pleasure in the other party's pleasure
Starting relationships that aren’t right for her in order not to risk rejection or hurting person’s feelings
Going with whatever is happening even if she doesn’t want to
Allowing penetration when she isn’t ready for it
Feeling shame that her body is not as ‘good’ or sexy or soft or sweet as it ‘should’ be
And the list and the experiences go on and on….
Playing the Good Girl, at any time but perhaps especially when it comes to our sexuality, isn’t good. It’s downright dishonouring.
The Good Girl needs to go.
She was brought in because the patriarchy knows just how powerful a sensual, sexual, and creatively fulfilled woman is. Subdue her creative life force energy and you subdue her.
Coat her in shame and you mask her power. There is no doubt that shame weighs heavy in our body, and many of us carry more than we are even aware. To be dishonoured, and to dishonoured by another carry’s a particular poignancy, keeping you even quieter, playing even smaller, settling for less.
Take your power back.
I invite you to reflect on some questions:
How do you see your Good Girl playing out in your own relationship with sex?
What messaging was handed down to you from family, friends, and society about what was ‘good’ and what was expected from you?
Where have you been dishonoured, or dishonoured yourself?
Where did you not speak up when you wished to?
What shame do you carry?
And what do you want for yourself instead?
It is possible to release the shame and charge we carry in our bodies, and open up space for your flowing essence instead. I can personally attest how I felt the truth of many of the traits and behaviours of the Good Girl. They would niggle at me, occasionally flaring up to be felt as something more prominent - but I would push it down, tell myself not to be silly and tell myself I’m fine (effectively gaslighting myself). My face would flush in memory, a blanket of sadness and shame settling over my mouth and chest.
But since choosing to meet the memories and feelings, and process them using feminine embodiment tools, I am free of them, and I am a woman ever more stepping into her power.
Releasing shame through somatic tools and experiencing, exploring the roles we currently play in our own lives, and then identifying and embodying what we truly desire for ourselves is one of the many exciting aspects of my work as a Feminine Embodiment Coach.
Pleasure and expansive sensuality are a womxn’s birth right. It is your birthright. Not some masked role of the Good Girl, hiding in the shadows of her shame. No. There is a womxn inside who roars with desire and wants to be let out of her cage and it is my role to guide you to reconnect with your true self, to have an embodied experience of who she is, and bring her out in the world. It’s profound and delicious in all of the ways!
In a coming blog post I will exploring just how sexually liberated we are. I would love to hear from you about your thoughts on this post, and your experiences, and any questions you would like answered around your sexuality and desire, and how womxn’s sexuality is portrayed in the world.
You are warmly invited to comment below, Instagram DM or email me privately. Your voice deserves to be heard.
xx Jess