Creating boundaries

Do you find it challenging standing up for yourself? Do you take things too personally? Do you agree to do things that you really don't want to do for fear of annoying or hurting another’s feelings? Do you tolerate rude comments or pushy people because you can't handle conflict?  

Being able to set and be clear on your boundaries reflects good self-esteem and is the cornerstone of personal health and self-care, yet is something that women in particular struggle with. It can mean that we don’t have a strong identity, or that we are enmeshed in someone else’s. 

I absolutely struggle with them. There are and have been certain people in my life that I kow-tow to and who have walked all over me because I didn’t have the internal strength to stand up for myself and felt like I couldn’t deal with the repercussions if I ‘hurt’ another person. While I know now that only the individual is responsible for the hurt they feel themselves, and that not setting boundaries is far less damaging to both parties than setting them, it is still a work in progress.  

I am also one to adapt boundaries to fit different people. But boundaries are about your relationship with yourself and your own values, they are not something fluid that is adjusted on the situation or the person. Boundaries represent how much or little you respect yourself. 

Here are some of the steps I am going through to become better at knowing, setting, and sticking to my boundaries, and freeing myself from the “disease to please”. 

First of all, get to know yourself. Pay attention to the situations that make you feel uncomfortable, scared, when your personal space has been infringed upon, when you lose energy, feel turmoil in your tummy, or make you want to cry. Identifying those areas where you need more personal power is the first step. 

Related to this is knowing what your core values are. For example, I value my personal time so I don’t accept phone-calls at night-time. This boundary is about creating the space I need to unwind at the end of the day. It honours myself. It is not about avoiding or distancing myself from others. 

Next, start setting simple but firm boundaries. I am by default not a hardline boss talking girl. Mine is the soft way rather than the hard road. So I set my boundaries in a graceful or neutral tone. This feels horribly uncomfortable the first few times. However, you’ll find is so rewarding and that your personal power grows that each time it becomes easier. 

Start small, start somewhere quite neutral, even with someone you don’t know, then build up. Firmly say no. Do not feel the need to overexplain, as you have the right to make the choice. Keep the focus on yourself, instead of saying something like “You have to stop bothering me after work”, say “I need some time to myself when I finish work”. You may feel the need to establish a consequence if the boundary is transgressed, however ensure that whatever you promise is something that you absolutely will follow up on. 

As you reach more triggering situations it can be helpful to have some support in place from a friend or from family before and after the conversation. Ensure that you’ve vented your strong emotions around it before hand, and use simple, clear language. If you can’t find someone you trust, there are online resources that you can search for. 

Once you state your boundary, ensure that your behaviour matches up. If you say you won’t have your mother in law around on a particular day because it’s your time, or answer your bosses emails after 6pm, then do not renege. Do not answer the door and let her in next time she rocks up, do not open your emails. Quietly, firmly, neutrally, restate your boundary and stick to it. 

If you are feeling guilty, know that this is not unusual. It will pop up. However, the only way to deal with it is to face it head on. Indeed, welcome it! It’s a reminder that you’ve made some changes. Know that it’s a feeling, and your thoughts are causing you to feel this way. Address your thoughts or resistance around setting the boundary in the first place and remind yourself that this is for you, your self-esteem, your self-care and its reflective of your values. Also remember, when you put yourself first, you are then fully available to others without resentment or anger.

If you are still struggling and find yourself feeling uncomfortable or uncaring, reach out and find support with women doing the same work. Join a women’s circle here, or come in for a chat with me. 

Internal boundaries

Many women have been socially conditioned to avoid confrontation and keep the peace at the sacrifice of themselves. We neglect to stand up for ourselves, and often take in a negative comment about us. This is reflective of weak internal boundaries. If you find yourself in a situation where someone has offended you, stop, and question it:

·      How much of this is true about me?

·      How much of this is about the other person?

·      What do I need to do (if anything) to regain my personal power or stand up for myself?

Don’t forget the last step. (It’s my nemesis too…) but if we ignore this then it makes it harder to set boundaries in general. So, if someone offends you, check in on the situation, and determine what reaction is necessary to protect your own personal, internal boundaries. 

Setting boundaries may well be the most transformative thing you do for yourself. It is absolutely necessary for your mental health and your well being. Finally, also ensure that respect goes both ways. Appreciate the boundaries that others have set for themselves. 

What has been your journey in this? Do you find it difficult to set healthy boundaries, or do you have any tips for setting them? I would love to hear more!