Creating space
Creating space for ourselves is difficult in our busy lives. It appears especially so for women. We rarely give ourselves permission to have space in between all the “shoulds” that pop up related to the different roles and hats we wear. Why don’t we feel like we deserve to just “be” without “doing” something? When did being busy become the status symbol instead of leisure time? Why do we feel so guilty if we spend time on ourselves instead of achieving something?
The feeling of guilt around this pinpoints to the collective conditioning women have faced to play small. We do not give ourselves the permission to demonstrate our self-worth and to take up space. We are often excellent at holding space for others, with innate ability to be sensitive, empathic and nurturing. However we can be so focussed outwards that we neglect our own well being.
It is up to you to recognise yourself and to start to create the space for yourself.
Say no to others and yes to yourself: Saying no when you feel like you “should” say yes. By doing this you say yes to yourself. This allows you, when you do say no, to not have to apologise for it. Honouring yourself will always serve you and the other. This is not to say you shouldn’t do things for others (of course you should!), but there’s a way to do it that also supports your own wellbeing. When you say ‘no’ to others, you strengthen your self-esteem, you show yourself that you are important and valuable. And you give others permission to do the same. You may feel guilty making yourself a priority, but to overcome this the only way is to face it, and accept it, and stick to your commitment to yourself.
Boundaries: As Oprah said, many of us are plagued with “a disease to please”. We fail to set healthy boundaries due to fear of conflict or guilt in saying no. When setting boundaries, there is no need to defend, debate, or over-explain your feelings. Be firm, gracious and direct. When faced with resistance, repeat your statement or request. Back up your boundary with action. Stay strong. If you give in, you invite people to ignore your needs. Difficult initially this will become easier as you practice it, and as you see the benefits to yourself and to others. Ultimately people will appreciate knowing where they stand with you.
Connect with yourself: We are led to believe that creating space and practicing self-care means spending money lavishly on day spa’s or booking into a hotel room or a weekend retreat, or taking yourself to a movie and a dinner. All lovely (sign me up!), but activities that few of us have the time nor surplus resources for. Further we can just as oft return from a massage or a manicure feeling no more tuned in and centred than when we booked it.
To avoid this plan your you-time with intention. Do what calls you, and let it into your life and be present. For me it’s a yoga practice in the morning before the baby wakes up. It’s cooking a nourishing meal, or enjoying a cup of coffee. Taking a walk with the pram in the sun. A small meditation break during the baby’s nap, or some journaling. Dancing to a favourite song. It’s a cup of chamomile after dinner, and the hot shower at the end of the night, followed by essential oils as I ready myself for bed. Small rituals in my day that I do for myself. Most if not all are easy to squeeze into the day and are at minimal cost.
Listen: In these practices I provide moments to hear the needs of my mind and body, and witness my emotions. They are opportunities for being present, treating myself with care, consideration, kindness, compassion and love, just as I would a friend. I see my good and bad without judging and without criticism.
Ask for help when you need it: The bravest thing you can do is to ask for help. To maintain space for yourself you must be aware of your capacity and limits and to be able to ask for support when it is needed.
You may find that starting a journal to write down your thoughts provides space in your head. Clean out your closet, cut the clutter, and simplify your house, more space on your countertops and floors means more light emotionally and mentally. Keep space in your stomach, don’t overeat. Keep a calender or daily list instead of attempting the juggle in your head. Practice yoga or stretch to breath stretch into your joints and fascia. Meditate, practice non-attachment to thoughts. Close your eyes and breath.
Where and how do you create space for yourself? Do at least one nurturing thing for yourself everyday, and make a promise to check-in with yourself every single day.