Making adult friends

Making friends as an adult can be hard. Life isn’t the playground it was when we were kids, teens and uni students and the opportunities to forge new friendships were in abundance. We’ve graduated to the world of dating, engagements and marriages, (multiple) relocations, career changes, work hurdles, and budding families. For some of us this has meant that our friends have become further away literally, as well as figuratively as our lifestyles and life choices diverge and we find ourselves with less in common with our best buds then we did before. 

We might not be comfortable admitting it, but you aren’t the only one feeling lonely. 

This isn’t lip-service, one in four Australians reported feeling lonely each week, as revealed by the 2018 Australian Loneliness Report. While in the UK Theresa May even went to the lengths of appointing a minister for loneliness after a 2017 report stated nine million people in the UK often or always feel lonely.

Making new friends may feel daunting, and likely competes against a lengthy list of other priorities, however it turns out making friends is well worth investing in. Numerous studies have found that investing in close relationships will provide you with a longer and more fulfilling life. Strong social ties are linked to better mental health, health behaviours that shape better health outcomes over time, and lower mortality risk. Research states that we are facing a loneliness epidemic, one set to eclipse obesity as a threat to public health, and it's likely that this problem will only continue to grow. I can’t help but call attention to the social media red-flag. Yep, we’re more connected than ever before, however in terms of meaningful connections, the online space is not the same as seeing friends in person and spending time with them, or even talking on the phone. The friendships that we form and maintain online tend to be more superficial, and less fulfilling. Studies also show that social media users are more anxious and depressed, and tend to be more socially isolated. 

So there we have it, loneliness is a serious risk. If you recognize that feeling in yourself, don't diminish the feeling or belittle yourself. It’s time to building up your social network in whatever way is easiest for you.

But how? Finding and maintaining close friends feels like a near impossible task in the complexity and time scarcity of adulthood and the careers, families and relationships.  A study from the University of Kansas found that two people need to spend 90 hours together to become friends, or 200 hours to qualify as close friends. Another source states that you’re not really friends with someone unless you’ve spent time with them in at least 3 different occasions - outside of the context that you met them. It sounds like work. This is by no means helped by social anxiety and preconceptions, “everyone already has enough friends”, “I don’t know how to start the conversation”, “I’m too busy”, or “they won’t like me”. 

It should be ‘easy’, but it’s not. Many of us simply opt out. There’s plenty of articles out there providing advice on how to make friends. The tips are based largely on the principle that the initial basis for a friendship is to have a similar passion or interest. Thus, joining a group or class based on something you really love, or volunteering for something you care about, can be a great first step for finding friendships. Gyms seem to be a good space for finding a community, particularly those like cross-fit where you see the same faces a few times a week with the added benefit that you don’t need to make additional time to see them. New mum’s often find solace and salvation in Mother’s Groups, recognising the self in the other in the dark circles and leaking boobs. Look to government funded workshops at child and maternal health clinics, contact your hospital, or search online for groups such as Mindful Mummies. Social Media platforms like Instagram give you a good sense of compatibility and mutual interests without meeting someone first, and can be a good place to reach out from and start chatting, as long as you follow up with face to face meet-ups if there’s a mutual hit-off. 

Then there are also websites like https://www.meetup.com/ that list out upcoming events in pursuits of interest to you, or simply keep an eye out for what’s happening in your area and make an effort to attend. Apps like Bumble BFF, the friendship side of the dating app which describes itself as a “simplified way to create meaningful friendships…”, and Hey! VINA! are also fabulous alternatives that let you swipe for compatibility. If you’ve used online dating apps before, it’s basically the same principle. You make an account with up to six photos, do your bio (not so easy!); log in your age, gender, and location ranges, and off you go swiping, right if you’re keen to get to know them and left if you’re not. Hey Vina! also has great sub-group communities that you can join like Working Moms, Yogi’s, Entrepreneurs, Pregnant, etc.

I’d recommend trying out a range of the above suggestions, as not all will fit you or your lifestyle or where you live. Also remember that rejection in any form can be tough to take. Remember who you are and don’t hinge your self-confidence on a random selection of people who choose to use an app.

If you’re not sure exactly how to approach someone here are a couple of suggestions: But firstly, it helps to realize that most people feel just as nervous, scared, lonely, shy, socially inept, weird, etc. as you do. If not more! It can be daunting to step forward to send a text or an invite. But what’s the worst that can happen? Some may say no, no big deal. Worst case scenario and someone dismisses you rudely, well they aren’t worthy of a friendship with you to begin with. You are looking for quality over quantity. I recently read a great sweater analogy, it’s about seeking out a couple of ‘organic, timeless, reliable, warm friends that you will keep forever instead of an endless pile of bargain-bin, scratchy acquaintances who won’t be there when you need them’. 

-       Point out something that you have in common. Don’t force it and try to be someone you’re not. 

-       Ask an open question (not the time or the weather please…).Ask for a café or workout recommendation.

-       Make a sincere compliment on something personal, and added points if it is not on physical appearance or style.

-       Offer tangible support if they need help. 

-       Use humour, something witty or self-deprecating can be a great icebreaker if you’ve the talent for it.

-       Be direct and vulnerable, it’s absolutely okay to share that you’re looking to meet new people. 

Ok, so I’m taking the chance to reach out, but how to transform that initial meeting into a friendship? 

If you want to make a friend you have to go for it. Get in touch regularly. Don’t be embarrassed about seeming ‘desperate’. Give people the benefit of the doubt, they can have a very good reason for not getting back in touch. Be vulnerable, share some secrets and talk about intimate stuff that can build the foundation of true friendships. Intentionally check in with each other. Consistently reach out. Keep your phone out of the way when you catch up. Ask questions. Concentrate on what they are saying. Keep up with what’s going on in their lives. Keep in mind that this is all a process. Recognise that it takes time, vulnerability, and repetition for adult relationships take work.

It’s also healthy to be friends with people who are different from you, and who you don’t expect to be like you. So while by all means trust your gut, don’t judge the old book by it’s cover. These friends can be very growth promoting, providing you opportunity to celebrate another for being who they are. Adult friends are also not likely to be your best friend in high school, they might be good for a yoga class, Instagram exchanges, deep and meaningfuls over wine, recipe swapping, late night breastfeeding support over what’s app, or shopping for a new outfit. They are very unlikely to fit all of these categories, and that is normal and okay. 

So go on, challenge yourself and put yourself out there. More likely than not whoever you reach out to is looking for connection too. You owe it to yourself, your health and longevity, and to them too. 

If you think that someone you know suffers from loneliness, reach out to them — you could help tack a couple more years onto their life.