Trying to “be” something I’m not

I would assume that we’ve all been here, perhaps several times over. On reflection since late primary school I’ve been somewhat of a chameleon, adapting, moulding and morphing myself based on my environment. To some extent this is a normal and natural way of exploring the world, and our many selves. However, unless you are really grounded in who you are you can make some poor decisions and find yourself in some fairly crap situations. I reflect to a recent spate of 6+ years I was working with the United Nations in the humanitarian and development field. It was thrilling work, I worked hard, I enjoyed it and the lifestyles my international peers led. But it wasn’t me. I spent years working at it, gaining more and more responsibility, all the while feeling like a complete fraud. I thought this was imposter syndrome, a horrible work-life balance, and the remnants of a life in a very foreign, poor, conservative, and bustling country that left me feeling uncomfortable and dried up, and unable to fully show up as myself. I didn’t fit, I’d banished parts of me that wouldn’t be accepted and attempted to mould myself on the carefree nomadic traveller cum intelligent, passionate humanitarian-expatriate.  I would cringe at things I did or failed to say at work. I wanted to escape all the time. That presented itself in hightailing it out of the country at every opportunity that presented itself, spending hours staring at walls through several treatments at the cheap spa’s on the way home, too many drinks at too many parties on the weekends, or dosing up on sleeping pills and curling up in bed. I feared conflict and feared speaking up. I became generally indecisive and noncommittal and let others make the important decisions in my life. My life probably looked fairly great on the outside. But inside it was another story. It all took a fairly hefty mental and physical toll on my body. It took me leaving and coming back home to Australia to realise that I’d lost the essence of myself, not because I wasn’t ‘doing’ things the right way, but because I wasn’t ‘being’ me. I had to discover who I really was.

How do you know if you are being authentic or not? If you have to look for authenticity, or have to try to appear to be authentic than you likely are not.

Authenticity feels good. It feels real. We know it when we see it, and we know it in the core of our bodies when we are it. It’s when we can speak from the heart without needing to think. It’s reacting spontaneously without pre-planning the best way to behave, or beating ourselves up for not saying or acting as we ‘should’ have. Inauthenticity is pretending. It’s compromising on what we feel is right. Wearing the persona of someone else.  Carrying on a role. 

How to nip inauthenticity in the bud and show up and be ourselves?

Self-Awareness Is The Cornerstone Of Authenticity

·      Start by paying attention to yourself. You’ll find that trying to be someone you are not is a lot harder than just being yourself. Catch yourself say something that you don’t believe, acting in a way that doesn’t align with your values, when you feel uncomfortable about a situation, find yourself with narrow or biased beliefs, feigning interest in something, or are parroting prescribed responses. Explore the fears and beliefs that motivate you to act in that way, as this will likely reveal barriers or blocks to your authenticity. Then stop with the masquerading. Let go of what doesn’t resonate. By removing the inauthentic parts of yourself you can begin to reveal your true self. 

·      Check in really get to know yourself. Define and redefine your values. Get clear on what you really care about, and what really energises you. 

·      Listen to yourself and trust your intuition. If something doesn’t feel right then it can be your instinct telling you that you aren’t being genuine. 

·      Write down what you appreciate, embrace your imperfections and LOVE the total unique bundle that is you. Forgive yourself for past mistakes, and honour and accept the lessons and opportunities for growth that have come your way. 

·      Be mindful, and present. Listen to emotions when they come up and recognise where they come from. Pay attention to your thought patterns. 

·      Stop seeking approval and cultivate courage. Don’t be afraid to be disliked, or judged. By being vulnerable enough to share or embrace the parts of you that bring shame, guilt, or fear you can release the power they have over you. By focusing on being true to yourself you’ll find that you worry less about being rejected by others. 

·      Have an open mind, try to see all sides in a situation, and be kind.

Authenticity is a daily practice. Every moment is spent embracing your truth and declaring it to the world. Freedom from inauthenticity will reward you with profound peace and confidence.

I feel far more at ease with myself now. I’m still learning how to live authentically in every moment, however I believe that this will always be a journey as I continue to go deeper and discover new aspects of myself as I evolve and change.