Our collective silence: miscarriage, abortion, domestic violence

Abortion, miscarriage, domestic violence and rape are so prevalent, yet we carry our pain in deep silence.  

Society, and I speak from the white Australian culture I was born into, celebrates stoicism over all else. Open displays of vulnerability, grief and loss are considered weak while anger and rage would have us pinned as a ‘drama queen’. Intense emotions are not welcome in the workplace, or at the dinner table, and not even in many friendships where conversations prefer to remain at the surface level. Suffering on show looks like a shed of a silent tear, a shrug of the shoulders, before the veil of chirpiness covers over our rawness.

We have learnt to push down our pain.

Armed with fortitude we continue to endure. A woman’s body creates and nurtures life, and we are by nature vessels for receiving. Our bodies are nothing short of amazing, and are worth being worshipped in every size, shape, and form. But, in equal tragic balance there lies the opportunity for loss, suffering, and trauma.  Only women can experience what it is to fall pregnant through rape, to choose or be forced to have an abortion, to fall pregnant to a deeply desired child only to lose it through miscarriage or stillbirth, or carry the pain of being labelled infertile and never being able to bear children at all. Abortion, miscarriage, stillbirth, rape and domestic violence are nearly exclusively borne by women, and the prevalence of these are through the roof. Yet we often find ourselves in isolation, in overwhelming silence, bearing the pain and rage and grief by ourselves. At risk of being lost in it.

282 women a day in Australia experience early pregnancy loss before 20 weeks gestation — that's 103,000 couples a year — with one in four women under 35 experiencing a miscarriage. By age 35, this increases to one in three, while half of all pregnant women over 40 will lose their baby to miscarriage. This means that miscarriage is common. But we adopted the 12 week rule-of-thumb for sharing public news of our pregnancies which leads us to grieve any loss before then in private, and I think serves only to contributes to our feelings of guilt, failure and isolation. Some who have lost babies very early in term are often told that it wasn’t a “real” pregnancy anyway. And so the story goes that we should hide and not make a fuss over a ‘few cells’. But the meaning of any pregnancy is deeply personal. Regardless of whether the pregnancy is early stage or precarious, you had for a time a baby for which you begin to plan for and dream about. When that is gone it’s a genuine loss.

The potential for suffering doesn’t stop there. Our bodies have been used against us for thousands of years as an effective means to disempower women. Rape and sexual abuse remain far more prevalent in society than it has any bloody right to be, and is often worn as a lingering shadow throughout a woman’s life. A woman who has been sexually abused as a child is 3 times more likely to experience sexual or physical abuse as a woman. This makes my heart break open. One in five Australian women have experienced sexual violence by a current or former partner and 85% of women have been sexually harassed.  And this doesn’t even begin to tell the story of the intergenerational effects of sexual abuse. We’ve been carrying this through our lines for millennia, contributing to negative behavioural patterning, self-sabotaging core beliefs, and low sense of self-worth in the girls and women who have come after.

Too often in our society, we are silent about issues which are deemed personal, private, but which are a common experience.

We don’t share for risk of ostracisation, labels, or not being met where we need to be met. We don’t share because it serves to bring up emotions that are unpleasant, and uncomfortable for us to experience, and for another to witness. We don’t share because we ‘need to move’ on, as it’s better not to dwell. We don’t share because no one else shares.

But in order to integrate this pain and to heal we need to break our silence and meet our feelings head on.

Miscarriage, abortion, being a victim of violence or rape are stigmatised experiences largely specific to women. Already painful, there is a double pain in carrying stories and wounds that society deems unhealthy or unacceptable. It is time we made more more space for them. The ‘process’ of healing is anything but linear, but they definitely should not be experiences that we have to walk alone.

I remember just how it felt to be validated when I finally shared my story of abuse with a not-for-profit community organisation dedicated to helping victims of domestic violence. What little I had said to friends was met with shock, disbelief, and stuttered echoes of compassion, which only served to deepen the sense of deep self-loathing and shame I carried. But in sharing with professionals dedicated to helping women like me I didn’t feel so alone anymore. I could stop pretending to myself that everything was fine. It allowed me to open up to the pain I didn’t think was there, and to finally recognise what I was going through was real, and it was substantial. Being witnessed and having my experience validated was the kicker I needed to get back in touch with myself, and back on top of my life.

If you have experienced trauma know that you don’t need to deal with your emotional burden without support, in fact I highly encourage the opposite. Your experience is a personal experience, and no one knows how you feel, but the opportunity to be heard by people who have been through something similar is incredibly healing. To share your story means you stop running from it, you can integrate it, and it will stop running you.

If you are going through a difficult period and you live in the Toowoomba region I invite you to join a healing circle with women who have been through a similar experience as you.

What is a healing circle?

It is in its essence a circle of women connecting in a very safe and sacred space. Yes the topics are heavy, and yes the tears are bound to flow, but tears are a life force and to be welcomed not feared. You will not leave feeling burdened by the stories you hear or in reminding yourself of your loss, you will leave feeling lighter and uplifted. Women being women we draw immense strength from each other, and rise up when we meet collectively. You will feel compassion and inspiration from the stories you hear and you will give so much value in you sharing your story. Not only do you release the burden from inside of you, but you will awaken the strength in others.

If you are interested please subscribe to my email list and follow me on Instagram to be notified of upcoming dates. I will be offering Abortion Circles, Miscarriage Circles, and Domestic Violence Circles at least once this year, or more depending on interest.

For Australian women, if you are a victim of domestic violence and your safety is currently at risk please call 000. For guidance and resources please visit White Ribbon or if you are in the Toowoomba or Ipswich areas contact the Domestic Violence Action Centre which I found personally beyond understanding and incredibly helpful. For direct support services on miscarriage see the Pink Elephants Support Network which provides resources and platforms to connect. For abortion support visit Abortion Grief Australia. If you need crisis support call please call Llifeline’s telephone counselling service on 13 11 14 now.