The Epidemic of Disconnectedness
There’s another kind of epidemic going on at the moment that no one is talking about.
The epidemic of womxn who feel stuck and lost
The epidemic of womxn who have desires, and passions, and plans but can’t seem to take the first, or the second step.
The epidemic of womxn who don’t even know what it is that they desire….
Who feel a sense of loss, and numbness to life
Who don’t really know who they are anymore
Do you know this feeling? … like something is wrong, but you don’t know what it is?
This is disconnection, and it’s what I see with my clients time and time again.
When we are disconnected, we are distanced from our feelings, emotions, and desires. This means that we don’t feel the pain and the hurt, but equally without discrimination we can’t feel joy, pleasure, passion, or inspiration.
We’re living in the middle, in the grey.
What’s going on?
Disconnection is related to our survival reflex of disassociation, or the freeze component of the fight-flight-freeze response, in which we disassociate from our bodies so as not to feel the full onslaught of the threat that we can’t escape.
This is an adaptive response – you can see how that would be helpful in dealing with large predators in the wild. In totally freezing up, numbing out, and disassociating from the present moment you don’t have to feel the enormity of what is upon you.
It’s also possible that in freezing or ‘playing dead’ the assailant may lose interest and disappear.
Our ancient reptilian brain is responsible for the survival response, which is great because in times of real threat it can act quickly without us second guessing. The problem is that what triggers stress and threat in today’s world (read work overwhelm, social media, friendship difficulties, toddler tantrums) is very different to what triggered stress in our early evolutionary phase (saber tooth tigers).
Our anciently evolved, lower brain will turn on the freeze response to a life threatening event, or something like public speaking. It can’t discern.
Symptoms of the freeze response include:
Numbness, disconnection or disassociation
Feeling overwhelmed
Often going along with things you prefer you wouldn’t, appeasing the more powerful person, people pleasing, or holding poor boundaries
Feeling cold, stuck, trapped
A sense of stiffness, or heaviness in your body
Holding your breath
Shrinking, or try to disappear
We can often be quite ashamed of our reactions, which can create an even greater sense of disempowerment. But it’s important to realise that this is an automatic non-conscious reaction and you don’t have control over this.
You are not at fault and you are not alone
Womxn tend to be more susceptible to employing the freeze response than men, who tend to go more into fight mode. This is likely due to the current and historical experiences of violence and suppression that womxn have faced.
Furthermore, if you experienced ‘freeze’ during childhood you are more susceptible to experience it later on in life. The freeze response is very common in young children as our capacity to protect ourselves (fight or flight) is limited. And as kids our view of the world, and ability to understand it is also limited. The mere look of rejection or scorn in the eyes of a disapproving parent can be perceived as threatening to our survival, triggering our only survival option available to us, Freeze.
So we learn to disconnect at a young age, and it can become a habitual, unconscious coping mechanism.
Why is it a problem
The ‘freeze’ response is more challenging to discharge, or ‘complete’ than the flight and fight response. Without completion it continues to run in our nervous systems, as a chronically activated response that flares up anytime we experience any number of triggering situations. The triggers don’t even have to be related to the initial trauma, general overwhelm and overstimulation will do it.
This background activation can result in chronic stress and all sorts of long-term health problems.
Studies have shown that repressed emotion can be linked to a wide range of physical and mental health complications in the long run. The list includes:
Adrenal fatigue
Hormonal Imbalances
Depression and anxiety
Low self-esteem
Memory issues
High blood pressure
Diabetes
Increased aggression
Obesity
Suppressed immune system
Digestive issues
Fibromyalgia
Fatigue, loss of energy
…and more.
But, as I’m sure you’re aware, disconnection doesn’t just affect your health.
Disconnected from our feelings, emotions, sensations and selves we are less able to discern what is right or wrong for us.
Disconnected from ourselves makes it more challenging to connect with another.
Disconnected from our power and wisdom, means we can be better controlled by others and at mercy to systems and decisions that harm us.
Disconnected from the rhythms and seasons in nature.
Disconnected from our truth.
What can we do about it
The interesting thing about trauma responses is that they originate deep down in our primitive brain, our unconscious. We cannot think, talk, or positively affirm away trauma. It lives in our nervous systems and our bodies.
We circumnavigate the conscious mind by addressing trauma through the body.
Firstly treat yourself compassionately and know that any symptoms showing up in your life are not your fault, but rather responses that you no longer need to hold onto.
You can look for trauma-informed embodiment practitioners and practices to assist you in locating where in your body this frozen energy resides and to release it, and in doing so open yourself up to a more radiantly alive life.