Self-Worth, Self-love

I’m a recovering perfectionist... which is really code for I’m working on my self-worth.

Underlying a large majority of our struggles in life is our level of self-worth and self-love. When we don't feel worthy and can't accept our flaws and weaknesses, we either shove down our feelings (which manifests in depression and anxiety), or we express them in unhealthy ways (through anger, passive-aggressive behaviours, or dysfunction).

We don't believe it when a loved one says, “You're beautiful, smart, wanted, and capable.” Instead, we believe that little inner voice whispering, “You're ugly, stupid, unwanted, and unlovable.”

We berate ourselves in ways we'd never consider criticising anyone else. We hang on to our failures for years, sometimes for a lifetime, and replay them over and over.

The mind being the incredibly clever organ that it is has a multitude of different ‘coping strategies’ available that allow us to deal with our low self esteem - and I’ve engaged all of them to varying degrees at different points of time.

Common patterns include:

Imposter Syndrome: we use external accomplishments or false confidence to mask insecurities. We fear failure will reveal our true, flawed self that will lead to ridicule or rejection by others. This type of anxiety usually manifests in procrastination and perfectionism, and defensiveness and hypersensitivity and hypervigilance.

Rebellion: We pretend we don't care what others think of them, when we actually care very much. We feel inferior, and we feel like we don’t fit in. This can manifest in passive-aggressive behaviour, the defiance of authority or breaking of laws, or outward rejection of the status quo. 

Victimhood: We baulk in the face of challenges, believing we are helpless and often use self-pity to avoid changing the situation. We can get bogged down in our own misery, or we cry ‘poor me’ and rely on the comfort of others to save or guide us.

People with low self-worth often have a looping circuit of negative thoughts about themselves that repeat so continuously that these thoughts become core beliefs. The continuous cycle of self-criticism draws the joy out of life. We fear doing hobbies or activities, we avoid taking risks, starting a project, achieving goals, or starting friendships and relationships because we fear failure or judgement and subsequent rejection. We are queens of self-deprecation and can provide excuses for imminent failure before we’ve even started as logical justification to others for our ineptitude. We have poor personal boundaries. Cue drinking, drugs, eating disorders, co-dependency, social anxiety, shame, avoidance, inadequacy, underachievement, powerlessness, jealousy/envy, defensiveness, social withdrawal, hostility, clinginess, excessive self-preoccupation, inauthenticity, poor social skills, etc.

How it develops

For most low self-esteem develops in early childhood. We are in a lot of ways what we’ve been taught, and those first experiences we receive as a kid are the most impressionable on us. Regardless of whether you were raised in a loving and supportive and stable environment with emotionally mature parents and a wider solid support structure, at the other extreme raised in abusive and neglectful circumstances, or in between those extremes, there is ripe opportunity for you to receive a message that cuts directly to your soul and that you carry on for life. We internalise what we hear, see, and experience as a young child in a very lasting way.  

You may have a good home with loving parents, but one or both had faulty beliefs, didn’t know how to show affection, were conditional in their love, or had poor self-worth themselves. You may have been bullied at school, or been sick and grew up believing yourself defective. You may have a few poignantly painful memories of rejection or teasing that you tell yourself are silly and don’t matter because as an adult you can see that they don’t. But these experiences are huge as a child.

Low self-worth can also develop as an adult. It can often happen after a large event or change in our life causes us to question our value. It usually lasts for a shorter period of time but the intensity can be just the same.

How do we increase our self-worth?

Someone with high self-worth is considered to have reached self-actualisation, and can take full advantage of their unique potential and experience moments of profound joy.

In order to embrace our true worthiness we have to both rewire the brain and embrace new ways of thinking and responding.

It’s dedicated work. It requires self-discovery, self-reflection, self-exploration. Using challenging situations and emotional reactions as an option for investigation, insight, and growth. Every single relationship you have with another in whatever form provides you many opportunities to look at your triggers.

I’ve been working on this for a while. I have become far more aware of how things play out in my internal world and when I am reacting from a wounded place rather than a loving and expansive place. My self-worth and sense of self has increased bucketloads from what it was just a few years ago - but lots of things still come up for me and it’s absolutely a work in progress. I daresay the work of a lifetime, and I venture to say that this is the truth for many of us, perhaps in different forms.

On some days all I’m able to bring up is love and appreciation for how well my vegetable garden is flourishing, or how organised my cupboard is. Other days I know with full electric certainty that I am magnificent, full of light, full of the universe and worthy. On these days I receive the truth of who I am, my purpose here, and I am guided. I trust myself and I know that life backs me. It allows me to take risks, and speak truly, as I meet my quantum self.

But not everyday is like this.

When they aren’t I keep it small. I do things that bring me joy and pleasure, and I do things that I can do well and I celebrate them. I don’t talk down to myself, I catch out those negative comments and reflect them back to myself the way I would talk to a small child, with love, and with kindness. I’m not beyond getting a hit from my support network who can reflect back to me the truth of who I am. I am learning again and again how to set healthy boundaries, and I do it because I love myself, as a sign of respect to myself. I am learning to speak my voice more truly. I recognise that I will annoy and upset some people, I will be misunderstood, I will make gross mistakes, I will not always fit in. But I now consciously choose to love myself anyway and that my worth is not dependent on another’s view of me, or the mistakes I make, it is dependent on my view of myself.

And as the great Maya Angelou said, I know that when I know better I will do better.

Step into your power.

It’s about little persistent steps to getting to know yourself. When you find what lights you up the inner critic will pale into insignificance.

·       Embrace the concept of loving yourself: This is critical and life altering. Everything in your life starts with this.

·       Get to know who you really are: What is it about you that comes when you forget all idea of trying to fit in, or get by? What sets your heart on fire and brings tears to your eyes? These little signs are not to be ignored, they are your guidance. Follow them!

·       Self-care: Once you understand who you are engage in practices that meet your needs, fulfil your desires, fuel your passions. It’s like your own personal operating system. You’ll feel more anchored, more full, more able. Want my personal practice? Download it here.

·       Work on the vision of who you want to be: what do you see if nothing held you back? If no one’s opinions mattered? Define the best version of yourself that you aim to express and evolve to.

·       Identify your core beliefs about yourself: You will need to dig hard, they were likely cemented in childhood and have become so ingrained you think they are fact. These beliefs get distorted by trauma, and due to a hurt or rejection you may come to see yourself as unworthy. Look hard and question. One way is to think of a thought you think a lot, like ‘I procrastinate too much’, then ask, what does this mean about me? You may answer ‘I’m scared I may fail’, ask again what does this mean about me?, You may answer might be ‘I’m weak’, ask again what does this mean about me?, to get to the core belief – ‘I’m not good enough’. Look at the really poignant memories from your childhood, even the things you might think are insignificant, what emotions do they elicit? What does that mean about you?

·       Challenge the beliefs: write affirmations that counter the core negative belief. Acknowledge the critical inner voice is the source of the negative attacks. Celebrate your differences and practice gratitude. I am worthy. I love you (insert your name). My voice matters. I am loved. I am wanted. I am understood. Every morning look deep into your own eyes and tell yourself “I love you, and you are worthy”.  Do this everyday for a 1,000 days, and then repeat.

·       Understand your triggers: Be conscious to what provokes extreme responses to you, notice your bodily reactions, the thoughts firing thought your mind, who or what it was, and what need you didn’t feel was being met in the situation. Journal it all out to reach understanding, more self-awareness and control.

·       Notice what you are doing: pay increasing attention to your thoughts, feelings and reactions throughout the day. Gently witness what you get caught up in. This awareness will allow you to disengage, soothe, process.

·       Allow and accept: Instead of fighting or resisting uncomfortable feelings that show up in your body simply be with those feelings as best as you can. When you try to push away a feeling, it only grows stronger, but when you simply notice and allow it to be, it will soon dissipate. You’ll begin to realise that uncomfortable thoughts and feelings are nothing, and that they pass.

·       Love yourself. Give yourself a hug, and send love in, let it warm and expand your heart. Wash away every doubt and every self-limiting belief and know that you are loved, and let yourself move into calm and confidence.

·       Engage in conscious inner dialogue: Start to notice and reframe your negative self-talk. Talk to yourself like you would a friend, loving, gentle, kindness.

·       Practice self compassion: treat and talk to yourself like you would a small child, send yourself love. Acknowledge when you hurt, be kind and caring to yourself, remember we are all imperfectly perfect.

·       Set boundaries: decide how you want to be treated and what you won’t tolerate. Speak up for yourself.

·       Find your distinctive gift and embrace it: We all have one, we all have something to teach. We all have a passion. As you learn to find your voice, identify your values, understand your spirit you will find this.  

·       Surround yourself with your people. People who can reflect to you the goodness that you are, and people who wholeheartedly welcome the gift that you have to the world. Understand that this will always be balanced by judgement and misunderstanding and dislike. It balances out the love, it’s a universal principle. Accept.

·       Incorporate spiritual practices into your life everyday: Find that which suits you, meditation, crystals, prayer. Partner with the higher presence and create a deeper energetic connection with wisdom, abundance, love. Bring stillness in, and find your way to open up to your soul and find yourself.

For me above all coming back to my belief in my place in and of the universe is the key. We are pure light and love, we are all beautiful beings of incredible energy and potential. We are all connected, and we are all here to grow. Remembering this, and with it my growing faith, love, and compassion is where its at.

I believe the deeper your love for yourself, the deeper the love for others. Self-actualisation and self-love is a practice. It’s worth doing, for your sake, humanities sake, and for mother earth.

It’s also really hard work. It’s not all light and love and roses. You’ll hit bottom before you rise. It’s a good idea to engage a healer of choice in this, psychologist, counsellor, healer, energy worker, whatever fits with you.