Tools for painful situations

I was told something recently that took me by surprise in a not-good way; I was being accused, second-hand, of something that I found hurtful and untrue. It led me to a kaleidoscope of whirling emotions. I felt anxious about being wrongly perceived by the person at the centre of it, and I felt indignation, and outrage at the messenger. My immediate reaction was one of defence. I was rattled, and pissed off.

I caught myself on the edge of the strong urge to ‘fix’ the ‘wrong’ perception of me, and shoot down the messenger in the process.

Recognising this I took a deep breath and chose to dive into myself first.

It’s a healthy and natural response for the heart to want to defend, but this doesn’t mean that a response, reaction, or more, retaliation is always necessary.

So, message received, emotions and thoughts in turmoil, and on the cusp of writing off a fiery email I stopped and I paused and I felt. I breathed really, really deeply and felt into my body. I took note of what sensations I was feeling and where, noting the tension and tightness that were in my shoulders, arms, jaw and behind my eyes. I noted the bubbles and sick feeling in my upper stomach and diaphragm, I noted that my womb and sacral area had contracted protectively, and that my mind was distracted and zinging all over the place, I also felt a suffocation around my throat area, and my feet felt tingly and flighty. I silently acknowledged without judgement and without trying to soothe. I felt into the uncomfortable feelings that had arisen, and in the tenderness a few core fears surfaced…

·        Do others not understand me?

·        If they understand me, do they like me?

·        Am I enough?

All of us carry, deep inside of us fears and wounds that we are not good enough, or not enough.

The message on that morning cut me quickly to the core, and I was triggered into those spirals of thoughts.

I wasn’t in the ideal quiet moment of solitude when I received the message. I’m a mum with a baby girl and it was early morning and we needed to get rolling for the day. I picked her out of her cot, greeted her and explained that I was also feeling off but it was not her fault. She was unlikely to understand much of what I said but she was aware of my energy so I took some deep breaths with her, soothing both of ourselves in the process.

I needed to do to have us both fed, watered, dressed and out the door ready for that mornings swimming lesson. I saw two options, to dive into the morning flustered and dysregulated causing all types of resistance to flare up, or to get present. By breathing in deeply and focusing on what was only in the exact moment my emotions and thoughts took a backseat, to the extent that I was able to feel joy in the morning sunshine, in her smile and gurgling banter and babble. We hopped in the car and I breathed as we made our way into town.

As the lesson ensued I silently checked in with my body and noted the feelings were less intense but I was still feeling uncomfortable and uneasy. This lingered as I spent time chatting with friends, completed the weekly grocery shop at the local markets, before heading to the park. There was live music playing and I took the opportunity for some somatic release. Dancing with my little one to old classic songs I let myself soften into the music, felt the sun on my face, and the colour of the crowd and flowers surrounding me. As I danced, the fears and tensions that had surfaced were dissolved by the love and truth that I felt in that moment – I am in adequate, and I do things incorrectly, I am not always going to be perceived the way I want to be, and I will be judged, but I can embrace all of this and know that I am still very much worthy.

It’s incredibly important that as a practitioner I work on myself. I cannot help you come into your power if I am not fully in mine. This means addressing head-on the seemingly small situations where I am triggered as well as the bigger ones, as well as attending to daily practices of self-care.

Tools to use when you are in a painful situation

Intuitively as a woman I turn first to the feelings in my body, rather than simply skimming over them and pursuing the ‘changing of my mindset’ as oft heralded by a lot of self-development models.  I tuned into the internal felt sensations in my body to acknowledged the depth of what I was feeling and to reach the clarity on what was really happening.

Your body never lies. It allows us to connect deeply with who we are. Go deep first, go inside your body, and tune into the internal felt sensations at play. Breathe deeply, and consciously, feel the weight of your body, the thoughts running through your mind. Allow yourself to sink into the confusion and the experience and in doing so tap into the truth of what is running through you. This is an embodiment practice which provides connection and clarity and allows you to move forward.   

Dancing was another element which allowed me to liberate the tension in my body, and once in flow, move forward authentically. Motion and emotion are intrinsically connected.

Presence - Practice the power of now: Grounding yourself into the present moment is a wonderful tool. By becoming aware of your breath, or your body on the ground, or the sounds around you, one by one, and fully experiencing them allows you to quieten your mind. You come to realise that there is only the now, we are only fully present right this second, we are not in the past, nor in the future. (Read anything by Eckhart Tolle and I promise it will change your world). I breathed deep into my body, and while still in a heightened state I chose to become completely present, I got out of my head and was able to experience joy as I sorted out breakfast for no reason but being in the moment. If I hadn’t my mind would have been shooting off everywhere, I would be resisting having to deal with the morning routines, and would have been stressed out.

Don’t resist, embrace our messy human experience in all its colours: All feelings, thoughts and emotions are part of being human, we all experience both good and negative emotions 50:50. It is illusory to aim for total happiness. The experience of both is what gives our lives depth and diversity, and understanding and learning. I didn’t dismiss or get annoyed at myself for feeling certain emotions, I didn’t label what I was feeling as bad, I just accepted what was happening and felt them deep inside.

Practice self-love: I choose compassion, and I choose to embrace and embody the truth that I am enough despite of, and because of my inadequacies. I am worthy of love. I am imperfectly perfect and I step up and know that even in my mistakes I am enough. That I do not need to be all things to all people, I only need to be true to myself. Knowing this, I value myself regardless of another’s judgement, and thus I am growing everyday the courage to be imperfect.

Find the gift within: In every challenge, no matter how severe there is a gift. The times of biggest challenge, or contrast are where we have our greatest opportunity for expansion and learning. This isn’t to say that there is no pain, but knowing that in the pain there is something to be gained. The obstacle is a blessing through which you can evolve, and it is here that we make massive leaps in our potential.

If this resonated with you and you want to dive more deeply, contact me. I’d love to hear from you.